Happy Parents = Happy Children

This month I attended a baby shower for a long time high school friend. Her shower, like many others I have been to was full of helpful tips, tricks and advice from all of the mothers in attendance. I offered my advice in the form of a framed poster touting “Ten Baby Commandments” (see below). However, I actually hate giving and getting advice, especially unsolicited advice.

I figured this out right around the time I became visibly pregnant with my first son. For some reason when people see a protruding belly, they automatically assume the owner of said belly is in desperate need of guidance. No one could tell if this was my first, second or twenty-third child, yet somehow while pregnant I must have appeared clueless. And everyone felt like they had the secret key and needed to share it with me. Well, I found it annoying then and I still do. This may sound a little odd coming from someone who is publishing a blog on parenting. However, I want to go on record right now and say that this is not an advice column. This blog is really just my forum to express my alternative way of thinking. I am not suggesting that anyone do as I do; but my goal is to broaden horizons and show what it’s like to “think outside of the box” with kids.

With that said, the advice that I do give when I am asked is always something along the lines of “figure out what works best for you.” There are so many choices parents must make from the day of conception: Hospital or home birth? Traditional or trendy name? Cloth or disposable diapers? Bottle or breast? Crib or co-sleeper? Public or private school? And the list goes on… I too pondered these questions and spent long nights in discussion with my significant other trying to decide what would be best for the child. However, in the end I figured out many of the things we grapple over are really not about the child at all. Honestly, the child experiences little difference between most of the choices we make. Really, it is we, the parents, who either benefit or suffer depending on our choices.

I came firmly to this conclusion when the learning system called Your Baby Can Read was first introduced on television. That was the straw that broke my camel’s back. With my oldest child, I went gung ho with homeschooling and teaching him to read as early as possible. And I succeeded. At that time my thinking was if he learned to read early, he would skip ahead in school and somehow become more successful as a result. His father and I fought for him to skip kindergarten - where I was told by the teacher that the goal of kindergarten is for the children to learn how to “color inside the lines.” We convinced the school to allow him to attend the first grade reading classes in the morning instead. We met with principals and showed off his reading skills to convince them that he didn’t belong on the same level as other children his age. And then finally we placed him in a small private school that would allow an open learning environment wherein he would not be limited by his recorded grade level.

The problem with all of this was that over the years, he began to suffer socially. Being more advanced than your peers is not a social advantage (or at least it wasn’t in his case), and by fifth grade we noticed him starting to dumb himself down to fit in. In addition to that, his younger sister did not catch on to reading quite as easily as he did. I used the same methods as I did with my son; and when I saw it wasn’t working I hit the books and tried all the learn-to-read systems I could get my hands on. Well, this one just wasn’t getting it. However, she was socially well-adjusted, happy and artistically talented even as a very small child. We sent her off to preschool barely recognizing her name, and she flourished. By the time she graduated kindergarten she was on grade level, and reading fluently by the end of first grade just like her peers.

I noticed that teaching my son to read at age three did not make him happier, or more successful than his sister who didn’t fully get it until she was six. So when the Your Baby Can Read craze started I was disgusted. I found myself thinking about those alive today that we would consider successful:  Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton. All very intelligent, yes. But do we care if they learned to read at 2 or 12? One was a college drop-out, one raised by a single mom, and one a pregnant teenager. How many other successful people may have been dyslexic, had ADD or just simply not very good in school? Was Warren Buffet successful in business because his parents made all of the right choices? Was successful actress Meryl Streep bottle or breastfed? Was Condoleeza Rice raised on organic produce or fast food? Does it really matter?

Things started to become very clear to me after that. I wasn’t teaching my son to read at age three for his benefit. It was really to prove to myself and the world that I was a capable mother at age 21. It was about me, not him.

I am using this example to say- when you are pondering what is in the best interest of your child, keep in mind that children’s needs are much MUCH simpler than we make them. Seriously. Healthy food, safe shelter, and clean clothing with the loving support of a family and an education are more than enough to keep your child happy and give them the foundation they need to succeed. Most of the rest of the torture we parents subject ourselves and our children to has way more to do with our own incessant need to validate ourselves. The children’s sports leagues, the tiny tot dance classes, violin lessons for two year olds, and now Your Baby Can Read.  I think things are getting a bit out of hand. And don’t get me wrong, I am all for instilling discipline and giving little ones constructive activities to build character. Just always remember there has to be a balance; and when you find yourself and your child tired, stressed out and overscheduled, you probably aren’t benefitting their growth and development any more.

So my mantra is: the children will be fine as long as you are. If that means being a single parent instead of staying in a miserable partnership, or if it means you live in a camper and travel across country homeschooling, or maybe you spend every night at home watching Jeopardy and Glee… if you and your kid(s) are together and happy, then the child is getting some benefit from what you are doing. Children need to see their parents fulfilling themselves so they can learn how to self-actualize. When you tell yourself you are sacrificing something that you love for their supposed benefit, the child does not see that. The child sees an unhappy parent, and blames themselves.

The next time you are deciding whether to sign them up for swimming lessons or send them to grandma’s house so you can go to yoga class, take a really long and hard look at the outcome of your choices. If it will make you happy to go to yoga, you will be a happier and more loving parent than if you stress yourself out over swimming lessons. Trust me, your child would rather spend time with grandma and then be picked up by a glowing mommy or daddy, instead of suffering through swimming while you sit in the bleachers and scowl!

Always remember:  Happy parents=Happy children. That is my only advice.

TEN BABY COMMANDMENTS:

#1 Thou shalt not put thy baby in the washing machine!

                      - Nor the microwave!

#2  Thou shall hold thy baby as much as possible…

             ...they won’t let you do it anymore after the age of 2!

#3  Thy baby does not know that thy hair is uncombed...

              ...nor that thy has morning breath!

#4 Thy baby shall cry…….. A LOT

#5  ye will lose sleep. There’s nothing you can do about it.

#6  Thou shalt not hate thy husband...

             (because he is not as cute as the baby!)

#7  Thou shalt not hate thy baby...

            (because he won’t let you sleep with your husband!)

#8  Thou shall let the dogs babysit while you are in thE bathroom!

#9 Thou shall also let the TV babysit while you play with the dogs!

#10 Most importantly: thou shalt not listen to my advice -                
                - or anyone else’s!